"I'm in the Middle of a Break Down"

Went to the gym this morning after dropping Mike off at school. I began my cardio at my new 5.0 incline. I got 30 minutes of it completed before it was time for my training appointment. I went downstairs to the training desk and waited for my trainer. He was a little late, which was no big deal. Apparently, there was another schedule mix up. He told me 11:00am but put me in for 10:30am, or something like that. So I get another free session. I asked him if we could at least check my body fat to see if it had gone down more. You can imagine the shock I felt when I saw that it had actually gone back up to the original percentage. I couldn't believe it. I bit my tongue and held everything in for as long as I could. Ben made the comment that it bewildered him. He saw me every day I was in the gym and he knows how hard I am working out. He questioned me about my eating habits, asking me if I 'really' was eating well. I swore to him that I was. Matt can verify this. We rescheduled my appointment for Tuesday and it will be an hour long session to make up for today. He changed my cardio a little bit. He wants me to do 20 minutes on the stair master (god, help me) and the other 40 can be whatever I want (treadmill).  


At first I thought, "okay, no session today. I'll do my own workout, no biggie". That all changed after we checked my body fat. I walked back to the locker room to get my phone for my music. I ended up just breaking down. The tears just started pouring from my eyes and I couldn't stop them. I was so angry that I just threw everything into my bag and walked out. I couldn't believe that after working so damn hard to lose weight, I had absolutely nothing to show for it. What the heck is wrong with me? I was heartbroken and disappointed. I felt like a complete failure. 


I got to my truck and called Matt right away. He tried to calm me down a little bit. He wants to look at my carb in take and see if that needs to change. It might not be a bad idea. Maybe I should also get my thyroid checked.


I cried more as I drove home. I decided to swing by a friends house for a little more venting and comforting. She really helped. She swore that she could see a difference. I don't see it.


My mother in law and I are going walking this evening. Maybe she can help me with what I am doing wrong. Someone has to be able to figure it out so that I can change. Right?


Regardless of all of the disappointment I felt today, I am not giving up. I am determined to lose this damn weight. I want to be happy with the way I look, and I will get there, dammit! God, help me, I WILL reach my goal!